We only told a few people. I wanted to wait till I absolutely had to tell people due to the enlarged belly. I was pregnant. I had morning sickness and sleepless nights. I started wearing maternity clothing due to my expanding middle. The appointment with my OB was made so that I would be nine week along. We went in. I measured only six weeks. I convinced myself that maybe I was off somehow. I mean we were preventing, not trying and I could have ovulated later, implanted later. Who knows right. I made an appointment to come back the next week. The baby only measured around five weeks at that point with no heart beat. Heart break.
I think the hardest part of having a natural m/c is the waiting. You know you had/have this baby inside of you and you know it is no longer really with you. You still have pregnancy symptoms. I craved things. I looked pregnant. I felt pregnant but really I no longer was. I never knew when I'd start losing the baby. I went around wearing pads just in case. Two weeks went by with nothing and finally I started to spot. I spotted lightly four days, bleed medium for two and then one night all heck let lose.
I woke up while nursing my ten month old with cramping. I couldn't' move because she was nursing back to sleep and if I moved it would have kept her up with me. Finally she fell back to sleep and I got out of bed. I laid in bed cramping badly for about three hours. My husbands alarm clock went off at 5:45 and I got up. I ended up in the bathroom. I took a nice hot shower and started having contractions. Yes, I went into full blown labor. I've never experienced full blown labor.
Never in my life have I experienced so much pain. I couldn't move, contractions were every minute or so and got closer and closer. I had no pain medication and my husband started insisting I go to the ER. I kept telling him no. I was in no shape to even try to walk to the car. Three hours into it I finally passed my baby and placenta all at once. Then there was calm.
I must say that the woman who go through this once, twice, three times, etc.. Ya'll are extremely brave and strong woman. I don't know if my heart could do that. I know it is something a lot of people don't talk about. No one wants to talk about death. Especially when it is a baby. So most live in silence. We have. Only a few people knew I was pregnant. A lot of the people weren't related to us.
Now a few weeks later I still have a tummy that I am trying to get rid of. I feel mad/sad/okay all at the same time. I see people announcing births and pregnancy and I'm happy for them and sad at the same time. We didn't plan to get pregnant. We always try to prevent but God had other plans and I'm sure there is a reason for this. I wish I knew it.
